As many of you know, I like to be the class clown. I've long considered my role in life was to draw attention to myself and try to amuse groups of people at the same time. In elementary school, I had one move in particular which was sure to get laughs 100 percent of the time: farting. The great thing about elementary school was that you could really amplify the sound of your flatuations off the hard plastic chairs. About once per week, I would sense a quite moment and let one rip. This was ALWAYS followed by roars of laughter in the classroom. I was a living legend at Bates Elementary primarily for this one action alone, and I loved it each and every time.
I remember the day my world came crashing down around me. It was a few weeks into 7th Grade, and I was now a big Junior High student. My Pre-Algebra class was full of new faces and I needed them to know how cool I was. I especially wanted to impress this girl named Holly who sat near me. My moment had finally arived. It was quiet, and I was ready to lay the comedy down. Big time. As I'd done countless times in Elementary school, I positioned my body just right for maximum flatuental resonance. The room stayed silent, until 'Boom'! In my mind, it was flawless - exactly what I was looking for.
Beaming with pride, I gazed around the room expecting to see throngs of laughing kids in awe of my prowress. "Boys and Girls, behold your King", I thought to myself. What I got was the complete opposite - utter silence, mingled with some disgusted looks. I don't think Holly even looked up at all.
Huh? Seriously? Didn't they hear...??? Hmmm, there must have been some other variable here that I didn't realize. Surely things didn't change THAT much between elementary and junior high, right?
A few weeks later I tried again. It was an almost identical situation, which (sadly) produced an identical reponse from my audience. My heart was racing, and something new was happening to me. My face was getting warmer and my ears felt like a radiator, swelling with hot magma. I wanted to ooze my way out of my desk and run down the hall. I actually felt SHAME and REGRET for the very action that had made me a legend in Grades 1-6. Was this what it meant to be embarrased?
It was October, 1987. The day farting stopped being funny.
20 comments:
oh please. you still think it's funny.
I'm with Nettie on this one. "flatual resonance" ha ha. It is funny though.
Hey masonology -this is the second time I have been to your blog today, With a household of four boys our world revolves around farting and the laughing it generates. Great post I loved it!! Tonic dave is going to love this one.
Thanks for your support. Emily hates this post. Passionately. I think it will finally inspire her to post about Disneyland.
As I was reading this I thought, "I bet Emily is not too happy about this post . .. " 2nd of all just reading about it makes my cheeks feel warm - I still have a hard time saying the word - I am sure Wyatt will change all of that. . .hopefully not. . .
dear brandon,
farts will never stop being funny.
sincerely,
kelli
I was at Bates with you and yes, you were a legend!! And only you would write about it...
Emily you are a saint!! I can only imagine how he keeps you laughing ALL day...
Yea, but did you ever get kicked out of a campfire program at scout camp, the place where farting should be acceptable, for farting? I didn't think so. I am still proud of that one. Just come hang out with me at work for a day because the guys I work with never learned that lesson as farting still seems to be cool here.
You're the only guy I know who can be eloquent with fart humor and get away with it.
Masonology is awesome...
Maryn
This is no longer a together blog, this is a Brandon blog. I officially hand it over to you. Congratulations Brandon you now have your own blog. Anyone looking for a cute blog with stories and pictures of kids and the goings on in the life of our family just move along because this blog now only contains stories about farting, the jazz, statistics and anything male related.
Signing off
Emily
Emily- I will have to agree with your train of thought on this one. I think you should start your own blog. It could even have some kind of flowery, frilly, polka dot background. :)
Brandon, Farting was invented by the Romans as an improvement from behavior that was invented by the ancient caveman, it was called Shi..ing. Yes, that is what it was called. Why do the Romans have outdoor arenas? Yes, Farting. No matter how old you a good fart joke with trump any other joke. Like if you're pulled over by a police man and he is writing you a ticket and asks for your name, just let out a good loud "toot" and you'll be on your way in no time. When you're at the doctors office and waiting with a bunch of old people, that's when you can really get some attention. Nobody can hear it but everybody can smell it and they think it's them. Dang funny. You're the Man. dc
Brandon, I don't know if girls are allowed to think farting is funny or not but, I think its hilarious. Kelli may have all boys in her family that fart.....but don't underestimate my family of all girls. We could take on those Booth boys any day. Keep em comin' Brandon this world needs a little more laughter :)
Hey Mase- I hope you don't care- I found your blog through one of my friends blogs and wanted to say hello since I never see you anymore! I got a kick out of this post mostly because I remember sitting next to you in 5th grade (I think it was) and probably smelled those toots (we like to call them- ha ha) often! I remember your desk always got moved right up next to the teacher- fun days! Hope you all are doing well. Feel free to check out our blog marcusandlindi.blogspot.com. Take Care, Lindi Olson Maw
emily, if we beg, will you do a post of disneyland???
Brandon,
I can't think of a single gathering spanning over a dozen years where you haven't farted. And strangely I laugh each time.
Great story though. Please post DL.
Once upon a time, there was a guy who loathed blogging and especially bloggers. He called "those people" vain losers who only wanted to put their inane thoughts into cyberspace for personal gratification...
Then some wives started using these things called "blogs" to post pictures of little kids in cute story-boarded ways. Times were good then in Blogville and there was much rejoicing.
Then a large man had a mini-stroke and consequently a large change of heart and he became from that day forward: Masonology.
P.S. When you started this post, I thought it was going to be about how your endless quest for humor had landed you in hot water yet again. You know, facebook birth announcements and such.
I really don't want to support you becoming one of the people you hated so passionately, but it was an amusing post.
I have to tell you though dude, I did feel like changing my last name for a bit after reading this in the off chance that I might one day actually live in the state of Utah again.
Kelly is going to love this post Brandon! For some reason in his mind it's still funny, it's cool, it's a way to impress me and it's also a turn on. Having 4 boys and a little girl I'm constantly trying to teach them manners... (including Kelly) especially at the dinner table. some days I just give up :)
And by the time college rolled around, you had moved on to using bluedarts to impress the girls! :)
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