Things Which Are Not Safe

Allowing your 18-month-old to play by himself on playground equipment.

Peering over any edge, when you've been walking less than one year.

Attempting to slide while blinded by a bad hairdo.

Somehow, finding this hair an improvement.

Thinking Abbey will protect you from falling.

Using delivery-room-inspired playground equipment.

The daily fall.

Whatever this is.

Hoping your dad will catch you (he won't).

Brushing your teeth at a sporting event.  This may not be unsafe, but it is (at a minimum): unsanitary, uncouth, unnecessary, unusual, unwelcome, and unwise.

This just looks like a potential for disaster.

Running with your shoelaces untied.

Trying to stop Mylie from scoring.  Don't even try it.

Ho- Ho- Ho!... Merry Memorial Day!

(I seriously have a friend whose mom refers to this holiday as "McMorial Day".  That cracks me up every year.)

 Yeah, this is what we woke up to this morning: About an inch of snow. 

I must admit that I had some mixed emotions about it. I had planned on shingling the house today, but Mother Nature saved me from that.  Instead, I'm blogging.


 

This snowman was made from 100% Memorial Day snow.

I've read a few comments how we never post pictures of our kids.  Well, here you go.  This particular day, they hung out in their pajamas until noon - when this picture was taken.  I can't blame them, there is really nothing to get dressed for.

Hawaii Wrap-Up

I know.  You are sick of me posting about my vacation.  Well, to be fair, the requests to see pictures of Hawaii were the inspiration for my renewed interest in blogging.  Besides, it was awesome.  Alas, this will be the last post about our trip.

Wailua Falls

Does Emily look a beach-goer, or a farmer?

These are our good friends Dave and Sarah, in whose condo we stayed (thanks again). Major thanks to them for convincing us to take this trip. I always felt like Hawaii was something 'other people' did. I never envisioned myself taking the trip until they came to our house one night and talked us into it. It was WELL worth it.

Check out the backdrop we had while swimming.

Lighthouse

This dude had the biggest nipples I've ever seen. They were like soda cans.

Tour of a restored Hawaiian Village

Looking out over Honalei Valley's taro farms from Princeville

Shipwreck Beach.  It may look pleasant, but the surf really beat us up.

Waimea Canyon.  Here is the gang again.  It was so fun to vacation with friends (not to mention NO KIDS!!!)

Beautiful scenery.  HORRIBLE picture of both of us.

This was taken at the end of the day, and seconds after I crawled out of the ocean.

Twilight on the beach.

This was the last picture we took in Hawaii.  I'm getting emotional just typing that.

Vacation Life Hacking

Inspired by this website, I proudly present to you:


Step-by-Step Instructions for Weaseling Your Way Out Of Rental Car Damage:

The trick here is all in what you tell the agent when you rent the car.  Do your work early, and this whole experience can work in your favor.

Step #1.  Decline any and all insurance at the time of rental.  However, tell the agent that you are interested, and will probably return to buy the insurance when your friend gets in town.  After all, you need to come back to add him as a designated driver, anyway.

Step #2.  Inflict some damage to the car, as shown below.
.

Step #3.  Panic.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Freak out, my friend.  Realize that this could cost you a pretty penny.  Desperation will actually be your ally in this situation.

Step #4.  Use said desperation to somehow pound a dent out of a bumper with your bare hands.

Step #5.  Continue about your vacation as normal, except for the crippling fear that will linger in the back of your mind anytime you think about the damaged vehicle.

Step #6.  Return to the rental agency on the final day of your vacation to add the friend as an authorized driver.  The key here is to arrive at twilight, when the lighting in the parking lot is very poor.

Step #7.  Put on the performance of your life when talking to the agent.  When adding the new driver, pretend that he is simply more comfortable buying a single day's worth of insurance.  Then, pretend to let him talk you into buying full coverage protection.

Step #8.  When the agent tells you she needs to do a visual inspection of the vehicle, resist the urge to wet yourself, scream like a little girl, and/or run out of the building.  Instead, calmly make a joke about wrecking the vehicle (as if that could happen!!!) - this will really add to your story.

• 8(a).  Completely expect to be nominated for an Academy Award at some future point for your performance.
• 8(b).  Eventually recognize that said performance had little to do with acting skill.  It is amazing what a cheapskate will do to save a buck.  It is more a reflection of a personality flaw than a talent.

Step #9.  When agent isn't looking, wipe sweat from brow, and begin whatever form of prayer you practice.

Step #10.  Assuming your vehicle passes the inspection in the poor lighting, fill out a few forms, and pay the small fee for a single day of insurance.

Step #11.  Later on, drop off the vehicle as quickly as possible, and board your plane home.  Did that really just happen?  Minus the one day's worth of insurance, you are off scot-free.  Net savings: approximately 97%.

Step #12.  Use the 6-hour plane ride to ponder what part of your soul has been hiding that kind of fiendish behavior all these years.  Eventually, shrug it off and consider yourself extremely lucky.

Nā Pali Coast

Bear (or is it Bare, I seriously don't know) with me - this Hawaii thing is almost over.  Soon, I can move on to writing the blog I really want to write: The one where I mock my brother-in-law, Andy, publicly about his baldness and his inability to recognize literary masterpieces when he sees them.  In the mean time...

Behind us is the Nā Pali Coast.  It is one entire side of Kauai that is inaccessible to motor vehicles and remains completely undeveloped.  You can't drive there, but there is a great trail that runs along it.  11 miles, with beaches, waterfalls, etc. along the way.

This is view of the coast is from Ke'e Beach.  The snorkeling is fantastic here, as the beach is surrounded by a cool reef.  There were 4 sea turtles always swimming just off shore.  Besides the turtles, I loved seeing the parot fish, eels, and humuhumunukunukuapua'a.  (alright, I admit.  That last sentence was just an excuse for me to use the word humuhumunukunukuapua'a).

Looking down from the trail onto Ke'e Beach.  Note the reef I mentioned above.

I felt way better about myself when hiking without a guide.

This was our destination.  Kalalau Beach.

Hippies have made these dumb rock shrines in various places around the island.  Note the freak doing yoga at the top.  I bet he hasn't showered in months.

Dave and I found a small cave.

We intended to swim here, but the surf was treacherous.

Emily and Sarah on the beach.  They will use this photo for their Book Club show-and-tell.

Cooling off in the river, prior to making the return trip.

Science Experiment

I'm still experimenting with this blog.  Anyone like the new layout?  But, speaking of experiment, here is one I conducted in Kauai:

Hypothesis:  I believe If I go fast enough, I can run/walk on water.

Finding: I'm not fast, and fat guys float. Body fat = buoyancy.


This place is called Queen's Bath.  It is a little cove that is protected by some lava rock.  Occasionally, the waves splash over the top, but for the most part, it is a nice, protected place to swim.

It is nice, unless some SERIOUS nerds stop by.  We had the place to ourselves, until this lady below showed up.

I knew I'd better get out of there, or I wouldn't be able to resist laughing uncontrollably at the sight.

She waddled on in with a too-tight bathing suit, flippers, pink snorkel and personal floatation device (also apparently unaware of the above buoyancy principle).  I guess her idea of snorkeling consists of a small, isolated pool of water with limited aquatic life.  I still wonder why she would need flippers in 300 square feet of water with no noticeable current.  She hovered motionless around the bath, seriously moving so little that we wondered if she was still alive.  For all we know, she could still be there...

So, I'm a blogger now

OK, 3 posts in 3 days.  I'm on a serious roll.  Thanks to my sister-in-law and fellow blog-enthusiast, Mary, I learned there is a new interface for creating these blogs.  I was on some old version, basically rubbing 2 sticks together to make fire, when all you other bloggers out there were using a blowtorch.

This post is nothing more than a trial for me to try some new tricks.  I guess while I'm at it, I will bore you some more with posts about Hawaii.  Below are 2 of my favorite things about visiting the islands:

It is REALLY easy to wake up early and get going.  Because of the time change, your body makes you wake up very early.  This particular morning, Emily and I woke up at 4:30am and went out to watch the sun rise.  We relaxed in this hammock, and watched a ton of dolphins and a few whales out in the ocean.

Speaking of animals, we saw so many sea turtles.  They were all around us while we were snorkeling.  Here is a great photo of a turtle bum.

Also, I loved the Hawaiian Shave Ice.  This little shack had great stuff.  Like the rest of the island, there were wild chickens and roosters all around you.

This post was ridiculously dumb.  Forgive me.

Jungle Trek

One of our favorite activities on Kauai was a 5-hour kayak/hike adventure we took to 'Secret Falls'. We, along with about 9 other people, were led from the coast inland toward our destination. It was a guided tour, which was OK. For some reason, however, I couldn't handle the fact that this guide was trying to actually 'guide' us. I REALLY wanted him to know that I was a kayak owner, and that I am also an avid hiker. Emily told me I sounded like a 6-year-old know-it all for most of the day. In retrospect, she was right.

Setting off on the Wailua River. The guide had the audacity to try to tell me how to paddle.

Eventually, we headed down a more narrow fork of the river.

Then, we began trekking through the jungle (I totally could have done this without being guided).

The trail crossed the river in a few places. (I totally didn't need the rope. The guide and I got into a little argument when I tried veering off the trail here.)

Anyone ever heard of a walking tree? When our guide was telling us about them, I actually listened to him.

Trudging on through the jungle. This was soooo easy for me.

When we got to the falls, Emily needed to pee REALLY bad. I captured the moment.

This may look like us posing in front of the falls, but it is really an excuse for Emily to relieve herself. I joined her to save face.

 

Then, I stayed for a swim.

Sensing that I was an experienced outdoorsman, Dave and Sarah joined me behind the falls (note that Dave was experiencing severe nipple irritation). Wild horses couldn't drag Emily any further into the water than that. Her reluctance to re-enter the pool made me seriously question whether she had merely peed out there - or done something more sinister.

*Note from Emily: Eventually, I joined the party and had fun swimming under the falls.

**Note from Brandon: Even though I stood under 120 feet of falling water, I still felt the need to shower when I got home.